Sorrows and Sparkles

A lot of what I have felt in my life has been sorrow. Layer upon layer upon layer of sorrows.

 

I gently remove the layers, sorrow.

 

Newborn immediately removed from my teenaged mother, fifty years ago, sorrow.

Taken away again after her tearful begging to just see and hold me for a moment, sorrow.

Waiting endlessly for someone to pick me up in the babies home, sorrow. (I have a memory of this, no words, images and feelings.)

Finally adopted after two long months and taken away from the home, sorrow.

Listening to my parents argue, sorrow.

Watching the bad old man hurt my three year old self from the top corner of the ceiling, over and over again, sorrow.

Huddling against a wall at five, waiting for my father’s strap to fall, sorrow.

Listening to my father encourage me to hit my brother, sorrow.

My parents telling me my cat had killed her kittens, sorrow.

Mum slapping hard enough to leave a welt then blaming me for hurting her hand, sorrow.

Hiding in the garden until they had stopped calling, too afraid to venture out, sorrow.

Knowing I would never be beautiful or pretty or talented, sorrow.

Humiliated by my parents in my joy of womanhood, sorrow.

Haunted by my mother’s social phobia and believing her, sorrow.

Unable to understand social mores, sorrow.

Anxiety induced stomach ulcer by aged fifteen, sorrow.

Tortured with unusual alternative medicines to ‘fix’ me, sorrow.

Finally learning at seventeen that my father was not allowed to do that and threatening him, sorrow.

Angry with everyone and everything, sorrow.

Not being able to believe anyone liked me, sorrow.

Afraid the monster within would come out and be seen, sorrow.

Absolutely and utterly lonely, so alone my heart hurt, sorrow.

Raped at twenty-one and blaming myself, sorrow.

Bloody baby bits flushed down toilet with tearing pain, sorrow.

Not being able to tell a soul, sorrow.

Unable to keep myself safe, sorrow.

Raped again at twenty-three, I broke, sorrow.

Two years crawling out of a deep dark scary place, sorrow.

Jumping at every word spoken to me, sorrow.

Dreams that kept me afraid to sleep, sorrow.

Learning to love small self within, such sorrow.

Finally falling in love but no children for me, sorrow.

Terrible pain every month endlessly, sorrow.

Partner who seemed always angry with me, sorrow.

Father sick and dying in aged Alzheimer agony, sorrow.

Mother beside herself, bitter and nasty, sorrow.

Radical hysterectomy at age forty, sorrow, deep deep sorrow.

Wound infected and splitting open, horror and sorrow.

Relationship in tatters and finally broken, sorrow.

Facing life alone, sorrow.

 

Through it all I have determined to find the ray of light through the clouds, the raindrop sparkles in the trees, the glory of autumn colour and the smell of the bush. Through it all I searched for small joys to tuck into my heart’s treasure trove and remember when life goes grey.

 

I hold my treasures to the light, sparkle.

 

Tiny girl, giggling, riding on brother’s back, sparkle.

Tiny girl all dressed up in twirly frock, sparkle.

Little girl with mum and sister making daisy chains, sparkle.

Lost in wonder inside a magical story, sparkle.

Making fairy firewood and fairy houses at the bottom of the garden, sparkle.

Imaging stories in a land of love, sparkle.

The wonder of new born puppies, sparkle.

My dolls, so many I hardly fit in my bed, sparkle.

Flying in my dreams, sparkle.

Loving kindergarten, sparkle.

Falling in love with my first Primary School teacher, sparkle.

My very first cat, soft and warm, sparkle.

Her gorgeous kittens, sparkle.

Admiring the girl next door’s beautiful four poster bed, sparkle.

Going to the library every week, sparkle.

Looking at wonder at a bald head going for an hair cut, sparkle.

Watching the cows being milked and the cats waiting their squirt, sparkle.

Being praised for my stories, sparkle.

Going on the boat to Tasmania, sparkle.

Learning singing and performing, sparkle.

Finally understanding the time, sparkle.

Riding my bicycle for miles with my best friend, sparkle.

Adventures up and down the hills, in and out of the bush, sparkle.

Knowing I was safe at school, sparkle.

Loving to learn, sparkle.

Plenty of friends, sparkle.

Learning to handle walking into a new school, sparkle.

Understanding I had to fake confidence until I felt confidence, sparkle.

Moving out of home, sparkle.

Going to University, sparkle.

Falling in love for the first time, sparkle.

Discovering sex, sparkle.

Enjoying my studies, sparkle.

Walking everywhere with my dog Z, and her arriving first, sparkle.

Taking my dog everywhere, sparkle.

Meeting someone I could love, sparkle.

Finally having someone to care for, sparkle.

Making a commitment to one person, sparkle.

Celebrating our commitment with ceremony, sparkle.

Discovering storytelling and working full time, sparkle.

Determined to have children in my life, sparkle.

Accredited as a foster carer, sparkle.

Falling in love with my children, all of them, sparkle.

Finding out that I am an awesome parent, sparkle.

Creating a job that I love and having it be successful, sparkle.

Taking up employment and making it my own, sparkle.

Feeling appreciated and loved, sparkle.

Discovering I can make it on my own, sparkle.

Moving into a new job where I am acknowledged, sparkle.

Standing strong at fifty, sparkle.

 

And now I have un-layered the sorrows, unravelled the thread that loops them together, so all my treasures, my sparkles, can shine through. Walk in Light.

 

(c) C Harper 19/12/2013

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